SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
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*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.