Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
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Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.