SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
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Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.