Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
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“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
philosophical skeletons be like
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.