It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
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I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
oh u like geography? name every lake
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him