Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
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you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?