scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
You Might Also Like
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Best seat on the street 😍
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish