Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
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I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days