SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
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I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD