SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
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SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Always.
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If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
What
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
*aggressively waits in line*
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Netflix and scream at our children?!
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.