“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
You Might Also Like
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
my first dose meeting my second
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
If a snake ate a cake
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.