@WilliamAder: Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn't scary enough.
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@robfee: When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
@BourbonHabit: I'm single with no kids. I don't answer to anyone. "Meow." Okay! I'm opening the can now! Please don't shred the toilet paper again!
@SCbchbum: The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.