@Sickayduh: Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs. I've been to the museum. It's obvious they starved to death.
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@iwearaonesie: A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
@rachelle_mandik: Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, "HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?"
@robdelaney: Pretty cool that the letters "B.J." stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel.
@ericsshadow: DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what's this for? ME: it's a tip DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight ME: *hands him $20 bill*