@TheToddWilliams: Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.
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@better_off_dad: 13: Can I have the password for Amazon? Me: Certainly, honey. Ready? 13: Yep Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
@Vice_Queen: I don't believe in gender equality because there are just some things I'm not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
@bingowings14: Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you. Snail: It all happened so fast.