@TheToddWilliams: Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.
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@InThaBurbs: Taking my sunglasses out of 2's hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
@sickipediabot: Apparently the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night. Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb.
@werehedgehog: No, they're not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. :) *later to thugs* They know too much.
@NewDadNotes: Wife: how do we explain Halloween to our kids? Me: they wear a costume and ask strangers for candy. Wife: but we told them to NEVER accept candy from strangers. Me: tell them one day a year it’s ok. it’s like the Purge but for Children.