Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
You Might Also Like
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Bobby pin
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?