@TheToddWilliams: Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.
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@Proxic0n: COPS: We know you killed him ME: I didn't do it! COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira* ME: wait no MY HIPS: HE'S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
@michael_J_m00n: Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don't even drink blood alcohol.
@DaddyJew: 7: I didn't do my homework Me: why not? 7: they told us to write about the new president Me: so? 7: you told me not to cuss