@TheToddWilliams: Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.
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@TheBeerGuy73: My ex texted "You've got a friend in me. XoXo". I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
@Brampersandon_: GF: What a perfect night ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you... GF: OMG yes! ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?