@TheToddWilliams: Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.
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@LanieLalaBugs: If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??
@Humor_Fetish: Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
@myonlymizztake: The answer to the question, "do these jeans still fit" depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
@Cpt_Burnout: Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted? Me: No, I'm toasted enough for both us. In fact I'm kind of hoping it can drive me home.