@TheToddWilliams: Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.
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@Wtftab: For gods sake! You'd think it would be safe not locking a car in a church carpark on a Sunday, apparently NOT. Anyway I got 8 iPhones.
@tnylgn: I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.
@SooInnocentDad: My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home
@murrman5: [to the secretary before I go in for job interview] "when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine"