@TheToddWilliams: Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.
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@iAmDelFreaky: I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
@TeaAndCopy: Me: Excuse me, where's the rowing boat equipment? Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle. Me: … Employee: … Me: Or you'll what?
@SammySkinns: Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I'll paint your ceiling. *To himself* Errybody gon be naked tho.
@Skoogeth: [home alone] murderer: [creeping up behind me] me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later! murderer: [pauses] what kind?