@doccy_style: Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they're concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
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@ProdigyNelson: Her: when you said "magical in bed" this isn't exactly what I was exp- Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card Her: *softly* holy shit
@arandomhim: *walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation* We're fully booked "Ahem, I'm Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69" Sorry sir right this way
@Humor_Fetish: "Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight...? You're so radical!" How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
@BangMyBongo: Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children