I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
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i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.