“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
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Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO