Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
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Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown