@downfront: Scientists discover that Jupiter's moon, Europa, may be suitable for human habitation. When asked to comment Jupiter stated, "Oh, hell no."
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@crushingbort: *crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler...everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler
@mrtruthandsoul: "Now officer, hear me out: alcohol is a depressant and cocaine is a stimulant. Therefore, mixed in equal parts, I'm basically sober!"
@PJTLynch: Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there's always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time