Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
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“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*