Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
You Might Also Like
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
mom had nothing to worry about
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth