WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
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ready to be harvested
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.