Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time