Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
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i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Love is in the air fryer.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.