Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
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So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.