Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
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Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first