Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
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[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I beg your pardon?
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
best review i’ve ever seen
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Google Pay be like:
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”