Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
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I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.