Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
You Might Also Like
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s