Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
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Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Optional boss fight.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.