Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
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Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake