Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
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7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired