Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
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If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!