@HatfieldAnne: *takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand “This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

@Slim_is_Fat: (Watching Liar Liar) Wife: If you couldn't lie for 24 hrs, how much longer would we be married? Me: Until the end of this movie.

@XplodingUnicorn: Someone cut my 6-year-old's hair She says she didn't do it Be on the lookout for a mysterious hair-cutting bandit who looks just like her

@Pee_And_Giggles: My 84 mother to my 19: Make-up sure does wonders but you don't want your future husband waking up wondering who you are in the morning.

@Molly_Kats: The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I'm 100% sure there's a murderer in my bathroom.