@scarebro: Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they're nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
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@Parentpains: Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.
@PaulyPeligroso: People are all like "STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT" and then they shut down and people are all like "COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT"
@AndyAsAdjective: [sound of can opening] wife: you're drinking a beer this early? me: c'mon...it's super bowl sunday wife: but we're still at church
@AverageCorners: My garden shed door keeps opening and closing. Is it the wind? Yes. Am I going to tell my kids it's haunted so they stay out? Also yes.