Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
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TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I didn’t realize that was an option
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”