Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
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Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.