Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
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Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.