@TheTweetOfGod: "Scientology" is a combination of "scient-," meaning "science," and "-ology," meaning "science." And it just gets stupider from there.
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@InternetHippo: I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
@BCMontgo: [commercial for pants] *naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen* There has to be a better way!
@TrainedHedonist: We're out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.