Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
You Might Also Like
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I really had high hopes for this year though
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
The best shot in the history of golf
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?