Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
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[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever