Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
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just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
The happy life.. 😊
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
How actors in movies eat their food
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*