“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
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convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
When someone says you are so lazy
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.