Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
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Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Bless you
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together