[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
You Might Also Like
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.