Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
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Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Van Gone
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”