Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
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Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My what?
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.