Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
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Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me