Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
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I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.