The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
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Yes
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN