@JeremyBRoberts: Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential race. In a nationwide poll of likely voters nearly 98% responded to the news with, "Who?"
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@iGreenMonk: I went for a run in morning but came home after 2 minutes coz I forgot something I forgot that I'm so fat that I can only run for 2 minutes
@XplodingUnicorn: [hardware store] Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff Wife: Fine Clerk: Can I help you? Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
@DaHess1: The Les Miserables sequel is so much better. Hugh Jackman has knives in his hands and fights a bunch of ninjas and shit. No singing at all!!
@Book_Krazy: [interview] "How would you describe your people skills?" ME: I tend to drive others away. "That's great! Welcome to Uber."