@drewtoothpaste: #SCOTUS one-star review
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@voldemortsbicep: *in bed* Him: what's your fantasy, baby? Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold Him: No, like sexual Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
@EBenita0517: You didn't question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I've got a knife to your throat you're all "why, why?"
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "Well, Mrs Jones, you are eating for two now!" Kate: "I'm pregnant?!" Doctor: "No. You have a tapeworm."
@SingleVicky: I was really pissed at my boyfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered he's imaginary. So I'm good.