A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
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Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Fights fire with marshmallows
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…