[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
we all know this pain all too well
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”