@HomeProbably: Me: "Your mum sucks." GF: "That's not very nice." Me: "No, it's wonderful."

@JaneBadall: Babe, does this mole look suspicious to you? *Points at mole wearing sunglasses and a raincoat*

@FakeDeanAccount: I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

@SondraDeeMe: [train] GUY: Please take my seat. ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you. GUY: How far along are you? ME: 5 stops.

@tastefactory: Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away