@Underchilde: *Scrawls “HELP ME, MY PARENTS ARE VEGANS!” on gas station restroom mirror*
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@secondhand_cake: Just found a $5 bill in the dryer. -Adds money laundering to criminal resume.
@NotthatAdamWest: April Fool's Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
@TheToddWilliams: I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It's quite ingenious really. Let me explain...
@AJslackie2: *Lexus dealership* Sales person: if you buy a new Lexus we will make the first months payment Me: so who makes the other 59 payments?
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