@Underchilde: *Scrawls “HELP ME, MY PARENTS ARE VEGANS!” on gas station restroom mirror*
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@GingerGander: A new study says vegetarians die younger than smokers, on average, so don't smoke your vegetables...
@markleggett: If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.
@HeyZeus666: Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.
@meganamram: I'm donating my body to science. I'm getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.