Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
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I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
You can’t rush stupid.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.